I left nearly everything I found comfortable. My loving friends, my community, my job, a college degree, and the financial support of my parents. Most things that made me feel stable and comfortable in this life as a 21 year old woman. All of it gone and uprooted. For a job as a lift attendant at a ski resort. Comical right, I feel pretty silly sitting here typing this in West Virginia where the snow is mediocre at best and I am treated like a dancing monkey who can press buttons. No seriously, on more than one occasion I have been barked at by a middle aged man in the middle of the workday and asked “WHY AREN’T YOU DANCING?!” while shoveling snow out of a pit. Would hearing “Happy” by Pharrell Williams for the sixth time that day make you want to dance?
This first season away from my previous more socially acceptable life has been a learning experience. It has almost felt like a misstep or just a baby step in the right direction. My heart wants an avalanche. An avalanche of progress where my life is moving forcefully forward into the right direction. But anything like this has yet to happen to me and I’m starting to think maybe that’s just not how the world works. My first season out I learned a lot. First and foremost DON’T play fucking small and DON’T under estimate yourself. Underestimating myself is pretty much how I ended up as a lift attendant this season instead of doing something that I would have actually enjoyed. Truthfully having passion and an eagerness to learn will take you so much farther than you think it will. People hate people who think they know everything already.
Being in your twenties is everything awesome and everything terrifying. You feel behind one day but the next your whole life is ahead of you. Now’s the time right? To be young and free and take risks. Before I left college I felt behind and like a failure. But only in that bubble of my life. In the other bubbles I felt loved by all my friends and extremely passionate about getting outside and guiding trips for my college outdoor program. I hold this quote from Slyvia Path right next to my heart, It keeps me sane.
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
The decision to cut the limb, that was my college degree, off my fig tree took me over a year to make. I would not have felt so confident in that decision if the future employer of my dream job would not have said this to me. “I would not have even considered hiring you if you would’ve just dropped out of school, that shows me that you are bold and passionate.”
I just got hired on as a mountain guide in Alaska. I will be living in an extremely remote “town” known as McCarthy in a 10’ x 10’ tent. When applying for this job I received numerous lengthy emails going into depth about the realities of living in remote Alaska. Things like “we are located 8 hours from the nearest grocery store, there is no refrigerator, or running water.” They truly try their best to scare off anyone looking for a glamorous summer guiding job. I had been warned about many realities that come with guiding one of which was I would be the youngest person there by 10 years. I was not scared off, I was all in. The second I got done with the job interview I knew this is what my heart has been looking for. Saying I was not scared off does not mean I am not scared. One of the most valuable things I have learned in my 21 years of life is that you can do things scared. Being scared is not some sign from the universe that you shouldn’t do something you think you should do. When something feels big and out of your capabilities, lean in and realize this is an opportunity to expand your comfort zone.
I am leaving EVERYTHING that has made me comfortable. Last time I left NEARLY everything. Now I am leaving everything. I’m scared fucking shitless. I have also never been more excited to do something in my entire fucking life. To me that’s what it’s about doing shit that scares you but also lights you on fire. I am excited to share my journey through this blog. Thank you for reading my first ever blog post!!